my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
