Just fell off a train. Bad.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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