That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
