wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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