I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
