I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
