Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
