i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
