Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The adults are the big ones right?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
