the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
