i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
