Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
