Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
