Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
