Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
