I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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