Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
