Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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