I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize