hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
