I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
