i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize