Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
