just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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