like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
