I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
