My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
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