i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
