My liver just broke up with me...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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