Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
