We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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