I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
