I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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