Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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