Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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