you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
