i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
