Cold hands, warm shart.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
