I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
