i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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