She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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