I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
