I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
