I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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