What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
