i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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