My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
