i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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