You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
