just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
