True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
