90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Randomize
