The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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