Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
