What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
