Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
