I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
