I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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